Routines

My dad and two brothers have been diagnosed with sleep apnea.  I don't know much about it, but when my dad said men in the same family tend to have it, I was immediately curious.  He asked if I snored, and I replied that I never thought so but Jen said I definitely did!

When I was staying at my dad's last summer, I wanted to get tested so that I could know what I needed to support my wellness.  My dad had a good doctor and everything ready for me, but there was a problem...

I wasn't sleeping much because of the emotional stress. 

I was only getting about three hours of sleep before my mind would wake me up and send me into endless loops.  I spent the past nine months sleep deprived.  I learned so much about human emotions, depression, and trauma.  This stuff is nasty.  I was powerless to stop it and simply did my best to cope.  

Before last spring, my life was full of routines.  I had a daily routine that served me well between family, work, gym, church, and leisure.  I had invested in my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being.  I felt like a professional athlete in peak condition. And then...CRASH!!!  I was thrown into the chaos of drifting homelessness, patching together a support network of friends and family, and doing what I could to keep my professional commitments. 

I hope I always remember the people who were there with me...Melissa, Sara, Grant, Ray, Sally, Marcus, Jerry, my dad, Kari, Deborah, Stephanie, Kelli, and John.  Each played different roles.  As my therapist Grant and I discussed, I was in a life raft, staying afloat but at the mercy of the river.  Holding that space in love was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  I couldn't have done it without these people and their love.

By December, I was exhausted and needed to get off the coping wheel.  As Kari would say, I needed to yell STOP!  So when Caleb helped me get to Costa Rica for a winter sabbatical, I was excited and grateful.  Yet again, the generosity of another human being helped me when I needed it so much.  We are built for love, and this world is so beautiful when we lean into our core energy.

I didn't know what would happen in Costa Rica.  I had no expectations.  I had lots of fear.  Would I be safe?  Feel isolated?  What would happen to my professional life?

I also had some hope.  I wanted time and space to create a new business with Sara.  I wanted to feel daily the warmth of the sun and the saltiness of the ocean.  I wanted to draw energy from nature and see a part of the world I had never seen before.

I was done being nomadic, so when the opportunity to settle into Coco came up, I jumped at it.  I could see this simple lifestyle as a place to rest. 

My life raft might have landed on Coco Beach, but it wasn't my final destination.  Life took me inland to San Jose, and this past week has shown a glimpse of routine.  

I laugh at the irony here.  So many people are envious of my adventures and the warm weather.  Yes, those are special blessings.  But what I craved most, and what I seem to be finding this past week, are new routines.  Some call it nesting.  I'm finding personal space with a kitchen, office, and bedroom. 

I'm developing wellness with a sauna.  I'm connecting with my 14yr old son Henry via nightly zoom calls to watch Star Wars shows.  I'm feeling a sense of family in Alex, her 12yr old son Stefan, and her extended family of siblings, parents, nephews, and aunts.

Oh yeah...I never got the sleep test so I still don't know if I have sleep apnea.  But the sleep is starting to come back.  I'm up to 6hrs sleep a night.  A little more would be nice, but I'll take what I can get for now.  As my mom used to always say: "Beggars cannot be choosers."  Thanks mom for the reminder!