Life challenged me in 2020...

I remember talking to Donna on Tuesday, March 10.  Her 400-employee office building in downtown SF was closed for COVID and everyone was working from home.  I couldn't wrap my mind around it.  I mentioned it to Jen and wondered what we would do if our gym in KC closed.  Little did I know that was the least of my concerns.

Over the months ahead, my life fell apart.  Jen and I drove to Venice, Florida in our Mustang convertible on Saturday, March 21 to rent a "coronacation home".  We flew Zoe (17) and Henry (13) down on Monday.  By Saturday, Zoe had enough and Jen made an instant decision to fly her back to KC that evening.  I haven't seen her since per her request.

That set off a cascading series of events in my life. Jen asked for two weeks of no contact, and I granted it to her.  That felt like the hardest thing I had ever done, but it turns out to be just the tip of the iceberg.

Jen told me that she "lost herself" and wanted to end the relationship.  I continued to give her space.  I love her with all my being.  When it came time for Henry and I to drive back to KC in May, Jen said we could not come back to the house.  Henry went to his mom's.  I was grateful that my dad let me go to his house.  

I've been in survival mode ever since.  I last talked to Jen on June 13 per her request.  I spent a good portion of the summer at our lake cabin.  I worked.  God blessed me with a kick-ass therapist (Grant) and a small support network.

In September, my dad was too concerned about COVID to have me live with him any longer.  In October, Jen filed for divorce.  In November, I got COVID (and was asymptomatic). 

I remember a conversation with Jen back in April where she challenged me to get "intimate with pain".  I took her up on that challenge, and this year has shown me a completely different human experience.  Depression is dark.  Panic attacks are scary.  Trauma overwhelms.  Jen and I were life partners.  We have known each other since 1991 and had been a family since 2008.  95% of my life was interdependent on her.

As winter sets in for KC and the metro locks down for COVID, I found myself needing to get away.  My grandmother (twice widowed) would go to Mazatlan, Mexico to heal.  My uncle lived in NYC until 9/11, when he needed to get away and moved to Mazatlan to start a new life.  I'm grateful for my friend Caleb, who has lived in Costa Rica and recommended I go there to get away.

I'm here for an initial two-week trial.  If all goes well, I'll probably stay for the winter.  I have no idea what 2021 will bring. I'm willing to let God guide my life right now.